pride is stupid like your father

scared, fear, power, doubt, calculation, over-analysis all from the three simple words: you. should. chill.

what the fuck, world. why did you give me this brain full of horse shit. why, i wonder, did this simple phrase throw me completely off kilter for nearly 48 hours. what double meaning could i possibly gather from that bogus. looking back now, with the clarity of a child with astigmatism — i still don’t have the foggiest. perhaps her words hit too close to home? or perhaps it was the fact that she, some one who i might inadvertently deem beneath me called me out on something true. and i think the fact that i’ve admitted to myself that i have a sense she is beneath me, just amplifies the overall badness of the situation. truth is its a subtle blend of things. for starters, the fact that i’m still engaging in a superiority mechanism (i thought i was past that shit), the fact i didn’t realize it and the fact someone beneath me called me out on something– and was right. oh my brain is a hypocritical place. shit, just encase whats-her-nuts ever reads this (which is really slim) i feel its important to convey that i don’t think less of her. i have respect for her .. when she’s in the kitchen, her rightful place. probably the phrasing “beneath me” is not the best way to go about it.. all i mean. oh what the fuck, i don’t know what i mean. what i do know is that in relationships, for them to be fruitful, i need to have some sort of dominance. just something i’m better at, for my own pathetic sake. it doesn’t have to be dominatrix or any thing, a subtle sense of having the upperhand works just fine. perfect equality would also be ideal. but that’s such a fucking balancing act that it rarely happens– and when it does? never lasts. i think she’s funny shit, but my own insecurity paired up with my insufferable pride will be our undoing.

i rely on logic and reasoning so much that when an emotion (a strong one any way) manages to bust through, i wind up flat on my ass, gasping and panting: what the shit just happened? they come and go like summer gales. usually i’m able to suppress them fairly well but it doesn’t help me forget that they’re there. lurking beneath the surface, ready to crop up just when i think its safe. sneaky bastards. for instance, those three simple words gave me this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. like i had just been dropped off building and my stomach was in my throat. a sense of great realisation came over me — but i didn’t have the faintest what the fuck i was realising. there was a disturbance in the force and i asked her, devoid of expression, what she meant. and she started to tell me something about freaking out yadda yadda yadda.. granted, i wasn’t really paying attention cause all i could hear was the low whistle of a missile as it launched and then detonated in my brain. so i grunted something unintelligible in my plate of egg-rolls and dead panned nonchalance as i proceeded to pop them in the microwave. exited stage one, softly closed the door behind me to ruby’s bedroom and silently began to cry.

by this point, i was convinced i was completely starkers. but my strategical brain was wallowing in the position she put me in. i couldn’t freak out at her for calling me out (with out proving her point) and i couldn’t be trusted to approach the situation with a rational mind — because i was on the brink of an episode. around this time (say fifteen minutes later), i decided my eggrolls were probably finished so i hopped off the bed, exited stage one with dry eyes, snatched up my little morsels and retreated to the bedroom. where i regressed back into hysterics. crying into my food … how shamoo of me. n-hole’s ignorant bliss just set me off.

where is my mind?