this won’t make sense to anyone

Jun 2008

i need a collective state. where shit comes together. not out of order. its cliche, but i really get the whole “not being able to think around him”. its like someone cut my skull open and swirled all my relevant memories and thoughts with their index finger. up down around, coming going– these things mean nothing. or mean all the same thing. dramatically, i’m confused. the farther i step away from the chaos the much easier i see. or i think i’m beginning to see and then when i try to tie it all together, it slips away. sand in my fingers.

i received the best possible advice (if you can call it that) on the situation tonight. from someone who can see. objectively, or whatever. i’m usually that person. and it made me question what im attracted to. am i in it for the long haul? i mentioned that i’m wary of the fact he likes the idea of me. or what he believes me to be (and then i got to ask myself, do i like only the face he shows me). i’m at the point where i have a general impression of his other faces. just from what i’ve observed and the discussions i’ve had with his cousin. she reckons we’re like mirror images, seeing what we like about ourselves in each other. hating what we hate about each other. entirely too similar. or we were, i feel i’m cracking under the face-to-face confrontation. he’s beginning to resent my weakness is all i keep stressing. so clearly there’s differences. the extent of our anger for example. naturally he’s going to have more because of the whole boys don’t cry bullshit. but the supression is there. the way we deal with emotions (or don’t i should say).

now we’ve reached a block. technically he put himself out there by, first of all coming to me. making the effort to hang out with me. calling me. i’m not sure if it constitutes as the “putting ourselves out there” like she reckons we should do. but now, where do we go from there. she seems to think that he likes me as much as i do. or maybe she doesn’t, but i’m missing the point. the point is that i’ll never know unless i act. i either do it, get an answer i might not want to hear and move on or i get over it and stop wondering. i can’t keep lingering between yes and no. but in truth i don’t even know what i want. this brings me back to the what if he’s attracted to something else. i fear the kaija in his mind would never present her feelings like a fucking tard. because its a narcissistic sort of fucked up thing we got going on. now i’m wondering if “we” is even too presumptious. i don’t think he would want to see “himself” do something as emotionally revealing. but that’s just it, aint it! if he’s not willing to speak about it, or allow me any weaknesses, then that’s not a relationship at all. and as much as i want something (not marriage or even exclusiveness or anything as fucking complicated as that, because hell i get smothered easy) if he’s not willing to bare his neck then all we have remaining is stagnance. when domination and power and the rush of competition go flat i’ll be left with nothing. nothing but his inability to change.

the conversation tonight made me painfully more concious of my nurturing the possibilty that he wants what he doesn’t have. playing it up even. giving him the person i inherently think he wants. make-shift good feelings. when the charade is up and all my walls come crashing down, i’ll be left the fool. for playing myself. for not finding out either way. for entertaining some dillusional idea. the more i write and mull and think, the more i’m starting to believe that even if i had him i wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with him. his cousin told me no one can handle him. he’s wound tight in a vicious circle of self-sabotage. something i myself, am not completely unfamiliar with. my mum loves to allude to it every chance she gets. but i’m concious of the problem, which is half the battle. a lot of the time i’d rather fail on purpose, than try and then fail. futile. i can see this being relevant to him considering people have been telling him what a fuck-up he is his entire life. but is he aware. or is he blaming the infamous “THEY” for his problems. does he want to change? i’m so wrapped up in ego i really question how damaging i would be to him. who’s to say that if the first time i got threatened i wouldn’t use some shit against him that he may of exposed to me. or vice versa. could i be forgiving? would pride let me? sure he might want me– key word might– but he might want heroin also, doesn’t make it any better for him. that doesn’t make a relationship any more healthy.

and here i am, writing some big inane article about someone i barely know not getting any farther than where i started. i don’t really want to fuck him savage and i don’t really want to be his ghandi, so now i have to figure out what i want. i keep going and using that big scary word relationship. which i’m sure can be confused as like, hand holding and domestic stuff. but that’s not it. i’m independent to a fault. perhaps i should be using the word “understanding” instead. my natural instinct is to just let things progress. but fat lot of good that ever gets me. i’ve got to step back for a while, swallow pride and just act organically. in other words: chill the fuck out, get a better feel for the ground i’m standing on and go from there. as much as i’d love to barrel in and just get all this crap of my chest, the last thing i want to do is fumble. or be unsure of myself. or pride out at the last second and severely bung things up. but first and foremost, before this ship goes anywhere, i need to figure out what i want.

Posted by dockyard

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